taruma
taruma
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December 2008
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Part 2 of 2

Precious And Fragile Things 2/2
Author: taruma
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: FRT
Feedback: yes, please
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant
Summary: Season 7 of BTVS Spike’s reflections after the vineyard, Xander’s thoughts at the end scene. Two parts, but can be read separately. Inspired by a song
Beta: The lovely [info]realtsunamigirl

The first part can be found here



The bus jerked to a halt. Dawn opened the door at the end, jumped out and embraced Buffy who sprang from the bus.

Xander got out the door next to the driver with Andrew close behind him.

Andrew told him about Anya giving her life to save him. At the same time he heard Giles ask, ‘Who did this?’

‘Spike.’ Buffy answered.

He left Andrew, walked to the others and stared at the crater that had been Sunnydale.

A moment later, the Sunnydale sign fell into the crater and Xander remembered Spike telling him that he had driven over that sign every time he came to Sunnydale. Well, except maybe the last time. He hadn’t been able to remember coming back to Sunnydale at all, after he had got his soul.

Looks like you got the damn sign again, for one last time. Xander thought with a sad smile.

“What exactly happened to cause this?” He asked Buffy, pointing towards the huge hole that once was Sunnydale.

“We were fighting the Ubervamps and then suddenly the amulet Spike wore, came to life. A beam shot through the ceiling of the cave and sunlight was reflected all around. It dusted all of the Ubervamps, right through the amulet and Spike’s soul." There was an expression of childlike wonder in Buffy's eyes when she looked at all her friends. She turned back to the hole.

"He said, he could feel his soul. He sent me out before everything fell apart. I think the sun burned him to ashes.” She explained with a sad but triumphant smile, looking at the crater, hands at her hips.

“Oh, and he said I should tell you he was sorry. I guess, he meant the thing with Anya.” Buffy added, facing Xander for a moment.

Xander walked further to the hole, thinking, Wrong guess. He meant that he’s gone, that he left me. He could barely hold back the tears.

Anya had been right, when she said I could have saved all three of us a lot of trouble, the day she found us kissing in Buffy’s basement. The only one who knew about us. He thought with a fond, sad smile.

If I had been honest with myself, Spike and I would have had three years together. Angel would be dust right now because he would have been the only soul- having vampire.

***

When Buffy brought Spike to live with him again, Xander was barely able to contain his anger with Spike because of what he had done to Buffy. Not to mention that “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!” moment with Anya.

After the frantic, drunken encounter with Spike in his basement, three years ago, he had thrown himself into the relationship with Anya to prove he was straight. He had told himself again and again, that it was just the alcohol.

But he dreamed of that night and Spike a lot afterwards.

***

Wood seemed to be badly wounded in the bus, but Xander couldn’t pity him much. The guy had tried to kill Spike. Ok, Spike had killed his mother, but Woods had seen a different side of Spike, had known about the soul.

Quite a few of the Potentials, or Slayers now, hadn't made it out of the caves and the rest were more or less injured. Only their little group including Faith was standing behind the bus on the deserted road. Andrew and two or three of the new Slayers were standing in the background near the bus.

Xander took a few steps away from his friends, wanting to be alone with his thoughts.

*****

The last few days were hectic and frustrating for both of them. Enclosed in Buffy’s house, with all the girls around and nobody but Anya knowing about them.

They had to steal time to be together; in the basement, in the backyard or with the excuse of fetching something from deserted stores or other houses. Claiming, to protect each other and the need to flee from too much estrogen, which was at least, partly true. They always felt better out of the house.

Buffy sent him away to protect Dawn and he did it. Spike seemed to be ok with it, saying, ‘That way, I know you’re both safe.’

Like always, Dawn had thought otherwise.

When she regained consciousness she calmly tazered him, turned around and drove back to Sunnydale. She and Buffy had a short quarrel, when they had been back and he fled down into the basement to Spike.

Spike was there and looked at him with a mixture of sadness and relief, stroking his cheek. Embracing him, Spike whispered, “But you’ll be careful, ok?”

Wanting to say ‘Can’t we just go away from here?’, Xander answered instead, “I’ll do my best. But you too, alright?”

***

Xander walked near to the edge of the crater, thinking about the previous few days, mindlessly staring down at it.

He remembered the night Spike showed him the amulet.

***

“Angel brought this to Sunnydale. He said it would help in the fight with the First. It’s meant to be worn by a champion, somebody with a soul, but more then human.” Spike explained.

“The brooding one is here?” Xander asked.

“Not anymore. Buffy sent him back to LA to build a second front. She wants me to be that champion.” Spike held the amulet by its chain and looked at it.

“Well, that’s great. She prefers you to Angel.” Xander tried to put as much enthusiasm as possible in his voice, but his smile was forced and it didn’t reach his eye. Deep down, he still feared a repeat performance of Buffy and Spike.

All of a sudden, Spike put the amulet on his cot, turned to Xander with a smile and kissed him.

“Let’s get out of here. We’ll say we want some beer or something. I want to be alone with you.”

“Ok.” Xander replied, with a real smile this time.

As expected, nobody else wanted to join them. They’d made sure, Andrew hadn’t been near, so that they had some precious time together.

In one of the abandoned houses not far away they spent nearly the whole night. They were surprised that none of the others questioned them when they came back.

The next day, Buffy explained her plan to defeat the First and they were all busy with preparations the last day.


That last night was different. Spike whispered in his ear, “I’ll meet you in the backyard behind the big Oak tree.”

He frowned slightly and watched Spike inquiringly, as he made his way out the door.

When Xander got there, he found Spike sitting leaned against the tree with a blanket around him. Spike watched him coming nearer with a look that weakened Xander’s knees and made his heart beat faster. Never had anybody looked at him like that, a look full of love and adoration.

He sat down next to Spike, snuggled up to him and murmured against his ear, “But we can’t, you know? Not here. We’re not really what you’d call silent when we…”

Spike chuckled and whispered back, “After all we’ve done with and to each other, you still can’t say the words?”

“Ok, ok. We can’t have sex here. There, I said it” Xander replied, blushing a bit.

“That’s not what I want tonight, luv.” Spike said in a low voice, leaning further for a slow, deep kiss.

“No?” He rasped. The kiss, Spike’s voice and the endearment made his whole body shiver.

“I just want to hold and kiss you.” He stared in Xander’s eye, tracing lightly over the patch and his cheek. There was that look again. “Can I? Just that. Nobody ever wanted…” Spike stopped.

“Only, if I’m allowed, too.”

That answer was graced with one of Spike’s rare real smiles.

They did just that, kissing and holding each other until Xander fell asleep. When Spike woke him at dawn to slip back into the house, he felt so good, that he thought he could take the First all by himself.

Before Spike went down into the cave with the Potentials, they shared a last look and their hands brushed against each other. That was the last time Xander saw him.

***

I will never see him again. At that thought, Xander’s knees finally gave out and he fell to the ground near the pit, tears running down his cheek and wetting his patch.

Once again, he pictured that look, full of love, in Spike’s eyes last night, just a few hours ago.

Then another thought crossed his mind and he frowned. He remembered that Spike hadn’t been that enthusiastic either, at the prospect of being Buffy’s champion.

He knew something. Xander stared at the hole, deep in thoughts, trying to figure out what he had missed two nights ago. Then it hit him. He knew he would die. He knew that damn amulet would kill him. That’s why he was so different, so vulnerable last night.

Somebody stepped up to him and he heard Willow’s voice behind him. “I know, how sad you must be that Anya is dead. She was really brave, Andrew told us. But it will get better, we’re all here for you.” Her sympathetic voice was even nearer now.

“Thanks Wills. I just need one more minute alone, ok?” He managed to croak out, wanting her to leave him alone.

“Ok.”

Then he was alone again.

Anya. The only one who had known the truth.

For the first time in his life, Xander felt really alone among his friends. They felt like strangers to him. They will never understand.

He stood up, took a deep breath and stared a moment longer down the crater.

I didn’t even tell him. Spike shouldn’t have died without knowing that I love him.

Again, the tears threatened to come and he blinked them away.

After one last look, he turned around and walked slowly back to the others.


Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken.



Authors note: Title and lines at the end of both chapters in italic are from the song Precious from Depeche Mode, lyrics by Martin L. Gore